It’s been awhile….
A couple months ago, my boyfriend, Alex, and I broke up. After 5 years of being together, I decided to part ways. Since I haven’t blogged in awhile, I’ll go ahead and tell the story.
Back in April 2012, Alex got drunk at his ex’s house and decided to sleep over. Now let’s backtrack a little, Alex and I had an open relationship. We decided to do this after we both messed around with Jose, however, we only played together. (Check my other blog threesomes). Back to my story-Although he called me, he was slurring, and I couldn’t make out what he was saying. All I heard him say was, “I’ll be sleeping over at Kevin’s house cause I’m drunk.” This pissed me off. It pissed me off not because I feared he would have sex with Kevin & Jose, but because he knew my one rule; to come back home. We hung up.
For me, I don’t care if you mess around with other guys, so long as he came back home to me. But it wasn’t even a discussion. He just decided to sleep over at his ex’s house without considering my opinion.
He tried calling again but I didn’t pick up. Afterwards, I tried calling and he didn’t pick up. The following day, he came back home and he knew I was pissed. My face said it all. At night, normally we held each other, this time I refused to touch him and have him touch me.
Honestly, I was hurt. And at the time, I didn’t have much time to think about things because it’s not like we could go in separate areas of the house to think solely on our own. Also because I was going to school & working, I really didn’t have time to think about it. I needed to cool down. I figured time not talking would be good for both us-I mean we’ve been together for almost 5 years at the time, and we’ve never been apart. Thus, “time” apart would do us good. But it backfired.
After 3 weeks of not talking, I finally managed to cool down. At this point, I wasn’t sure how Alex was feeling, but I felt good to discuss our issue knowing I wouldn’t say something I would regret.
When we began to talk, he started with, “I’m moving to Dallas.” I was perplexed. My heart dropped to the floor. It was like someone from left-field shot me in the heart. I never saw it coming. I was hurt.
I said, “okay.” But I was crying. I told him, “What happens to us then?” He said, “We break up.” Fuck, it hurt even more. I couldn’t believe that after almost 5 years we were going to just let it all go. In response I said, “Let’s try long distance. I don’t want to break up.” He said with hope, “Okay, I didn’t want to break up.” I told him, “Yes, and I’ll move with you after I finish school.” At that moment, we decided to stay together and pack most of our things to prepare for the move. A couple days later, we packed up most of our stuff, leaving the necessities for me so that there won’t be so much for me to move later.
Fast forward, Alex is now in Dallast, TX, and I’m still in San Francisco, CA. I traveled back and forth throughout 2012 to maintain our relationship. With some curiosity, throughout my visits, I asked Alex, “Why were you moving to Dallas, TX? What was your overall reasoning?” He said, “Because I thought you didn’t want to be with me anymore.” I replied confusedly, “okay.” And we left it at that until I got back home to San Francisco where it dawned on me what he said.
I kept thinking about what Alex said of me not wanting to be with him. And I was so perplexed. I understand that we didn’t talk for 3 weeks, but being together for almost 5 years and that’s what ran through his mind? Aside from that, I realized he didn’t even fight for what we had.
A quick sidetrack; in our previous arguments when we were in the verge of breaking up, I was always fighting for what we had. I would communicate, come up with (romantic) solutions, drive, buy funny apologetic things, etc. He never did any of these things. It then hit me. This guy either fell out of love with me or didn’t love me as much as I loved him.
At this point, I got depressed. I felt rejected. I spent almost 5 years of my life with someone who didn’t love me anymore. It became even more painful when my family started looking for him; my nieces, nephew, sister, friends, parents. I continued on hoping that things would change. I told myself that I was just overthinking things. I told myself that he still loved me. I still visited him December 2012 for Christmas, but at this point things weren’t the same. My feelings were just so hurt that I lost all feelings for him. I was an empty soul. I was a hollow individual who moved for the sake of life being in me.
February 2013, Alex decided to come back because a tragic event happened between his brother, Chris, and the husband Tom. Again, I tried to hold on to what we’ve had. 5 years is a long time, and I wasn’t just about to let it go without a fight. But as time progressed, I saw I was fighting more for the relationship than Alex was. At this point, I gave up. I asked him for a break, even though it really meant a break up; half of me said to completely break it off, the other half of me thought this break will determine if we’re meant to be-that he will fight for me to stay. But I was wrong. He said, “okay.”
It’s December now, it’s been awhile since I asked for the break. I figured this is almost the end of 2013. Do I want to bring this issue with me to the New Year? I said to myself, “I don’t want to bring this with me to 2014. I need to start fresh.” At this point, I already met someone named Robert. (Which further complicated my situation, but I’ll write about that next time).
I thought long and hard about how to talk to Alex. This was it. I was going to really break it off completely. Our 5 years of being together was about to cease. I went to church everyday praying to give me the courage to let Alex go. I felt guilty for not only breaking off what we had, but also that I was preventing him from forming another relationship with someone new.
I didn’t want that. I didn’t want to be selfish. I wanted him to be happy, even if it’s not with me. With that in mind, I messaged him on Facebook and wrote him a Dear John letter. And just like that, our relationship stopped at 5 beautiful years together. And never once did I have any regrets with him. Until now, it’s been hard. I’m still hurting, but I know that Alex now has the freedom to love someone new with no chains holding him from doing so. And I can do the same. We can both find someone who will love us as much as we love them.
I’ll never forget Alex. I hope that one day we can be friends, and share the memories we’ve had together. I know it won’t be anytime soon, but I hope eventually we’ll be able to share, laugh, and reminisce about the 5 beautiful years we had together.
The face my Godson made because the French Fry was too hot! #lol #toocute #cute #mygodson #godson #goingbackhome #germany—